Jim Edgemont

Day 5 from San Diego

2006-08-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing really to report from yesterday. Seriously, after a trip to Tijuana, everything seems pretty tame, downright boring.

So I'll leave you with something that's bothering me today. I read an article at The Onion's AV Club that mentioned that a bunch of bands covered Gnarls Barkley's Crazy at the latest Lollapalooza. This song appears to be pretty damn popular, so I gave it a listen. Is it just me, or does that song suck ass? It's not just me, right? It's boring as hell! Maybe I'm still in Tijuana mode.

San Diego - Day 4 - T.J.!!!

2006-08-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

It's really Day 5 right now, but I'm just now getting around to posting day 4 info. Sorry about that, but tough poop, pal.

Training was pretty good yesterday, but I missed a fair amount of it while taking care of the MS patches for work (it was patch Tuesday in case you didn't know). Once training was done, we were off.

We hustled back to our rooms and dropped off our training stuff, then immediately headed towards the trolley station. We were at the border a little after 7:00. A fairly short walk later, we were in Tijuana.

We were fortunate to meet a guy who was American, but lived in Mexico. We were looking for a good tourist-type area where we could get some good food, drinks, and do some shopping for tacky shit we wouldn't normally buy. He pointed us in the right direction, and gave us some great advice about what part of town to avoid.

Before getting to the main drag, we decided to stop and have a cerveza. The restaurant was a sidewalk joint and we had a Corona for $1 each. Not bad. Looking up, I noticed that the edge of the roof had writing on it that read "do not feed the dog". Huh? What dog? Then I saw the dog. There was a chihuahua on the roof. Just walking around and looking down at people walking by...

File that under "things you don't see in Chico, CA". This guy that walked by noticed the dog and said, "hey dog, you don't have to make a run for the border any more, you're already there!". After downing the beer, we made our way to our main destination. When we got to the main drag, we veered left (heading right would take us into the red light district, which we had no desire to visit) and started looking around.

If you've never been to Tijuana, let me paint a picture for you. It's like a combination of Vegas & Bourbon Street, but much dirtier. And it smells pretty bad, unless you walk by a good restaurant.

In front of every business, one or two guys are trying to get you to come inside to sell you something. Whether it's some cheap souvenir, food, booze, or topless women. It's non-stop. If we happened to be there on a busy day, like a Saturday, it wouldn't be so bad because there would be a ton of other tourists for them to focus on. We were there on a Tuesday evening, and were pretty much the only people around. We were absolutely inundated with dudes trying to hustle us.

But we had fun with it. We even bought a few things. My friend found some nice jewelry for his girlfriend and I got a cool flask. We also bought some nice Cuban cigars (legal in Mexico) that we were going to take back with us. There are three things you need to know to survive in T.J.:

1. Always haggle. Their prices are always high to start. Decide what you're willing to pay for something, and eventually that's what you'll pay. For example, the flask. He wanted $48 for it, which was way too much. I offered $15. He came back with $36. This went on for a while. He was pouring us shots of tequila throughout the process and shmoozing us completely, talking up the quality, yada yada yada. So, I started to leave. That's when the price drops. Not as much as I wanted, though. I kept starting to leave, and eventually, I got it for $15. This is true for every vendor.

2. Before you agree to anything, whether it be a meal, a drink, ANYTHING, find out how much it will cost first (hint: Spanish word for "how much" is cuÃ¡nto). They will try to screw you over, folks. I promise you. Get the money established, then proceed.

3. If you don't have exact change, count the money that is handed back to you before letting the guy leave. They will short change you without batting an eyelash.

We walked around for a few hours, then took a cab back to the border so we could catch the last trolley back home. Your last stop before hitting US soil is customs. Like the dipshit that I am, I had our Cubans in my hand when I walked through. The guy stops me and asks what I'm carrying and promptly confiscates them. $20 down the drain. Why I didn't just put them in my pocket, I will never know. That was the only bad part of the trip.

We found our trolley and made it back home before Midnight. All in all, it was a lot of fun, but not something I would want to do very often.

Day 3 from San Diego

2006-08-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty mellow. Nothing really going on after partying last night. I slept in a bit and skipped breakfast, which sucks anyway. Training was pretty boring overall, but we did get some good tidbits of info here and there. Lunch sucked. Dinner sucked. Salad is about the only safe food here. I'm staying in tonight and being a little angel. But, if I know myself, I'm pretty sure I'll be doing a late night run to J in da B again. OK, enough of the filler, let's talk about TOMORROW.

We are on for Tijuana, folks. It looks like only two of us will be making the trip down. Some of the other guys all pussed out, saying they were afraid, basically. Sheesh. It's freaking TJ, man. It's right on the border.

Anyway, we're heading out on the trolley immediately after training, around 5:30. We should get there around 7:00, and will have about 3 hours of party time before we need to cross back over the border. We should be back in the dorms by midnight.

I'm not sure what we'll do while we're there, as I haven't been there in many, many years. So we'll play it by ear and try to have a good time.

A report will be posted tomorrow night or Wednesday morning!

Day 2 from San Diego

2006-08-07T00:52:00.000-07:00

I know this is technically Monday morning, but I just got back from visiting downtown San Diego (more on that in a minute). This report is on day one of my training here at SDSU.

As I previously mentioned, the accommodations at the home of the Aztecs are less than stellar. When I wrote that, it was before I actually tried to sleep in the bed that they provided. As I said before, the mattress resembles a Walmart chaise lounge cushion. In hindsight, that was a little unfair to Walmart chaise lounge cushions. You see, at least Walmart's cushions are somewhat soft. Not this death slab. This mattress is so hard, I might as well sleep on the ground. And it's only 3 feet wide. So no room for tossing and turning.

OK, now that I remembered to mention that, time to discuss tonight's festivities. Myself and a fellow Chico dude decided to go downtown and hit some bars. He was hoping to see a friend that he's known for a long time, who also happens to be a waitress at a downtown bar. I was hoping to get a little drunk. I hate to keep you in suspense, so let me just say that I accomplished my goal.

One of our classmates told us about the trolley, which is similar to BART. It runs pretty often, right from campus to downtown and back. And it's cheap. Sweet! So we jump on the trolley and head downtown. Quick ride, maybe 20 minutes in all. It moves pretty fast.

We hang out at one nice joint, then move on to his friend's place. And she's working! They have a cool catch-up session and the drinks are flowing, and she hooks us up with cheap drinks, yada yada yada (keep in mind, the beers here are $6-$7, while in Chico, they're $1-$2). We get out the door after drinking multiple shots and beers for $50. Nice!

We decide it's time to head back to SDSU, and walk back to the train station. We get on the trolley and start heading back. The trolley stops at Qualcomm Stadium (home of the San Diego Chargers, but screw them), which is still a few stops away from our final destination. We sit for a while. Not moving. I notice the woman who drives the trolley standing outside smoking, so I head out for a smoke myself. We start chatting about the fact that the trolley goes all the way to Tijuana (more to come on that lovely little fact tomorrow), and I'm talking about SDSU, and she says, "you know that this is the last stop on Sunday night, right?". F*&k me running.

We now have two options. Stay at Qualcomm and try to hail a cab, or head all the way back to old town SD and get a cab there, which would cost two arms and three legs to take to SDSU.

We decide it would be better to get a cab from the stadium, and then proceed to walk around the outside of the stadium in the dark looking for an exit or anything we can use as a landmark for cabbie directions. We get through to Yellow cab (God bless them) and they pick us up. We even go through Jack in the Box before heading home, all for $20. Not bad.

I'm freaking tired, man. Good night.

P.S. - T.J. Tuesday!

P.P.S. - The training so far is OK. Not much I can use, but good to know.

San Diego

2006-08-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

I'm in San Diego today through next Saturday at a training session. Now, San Diego sounds pretty freaking sweet when the weather in Chico has been hanging around the mid-90's for the last two weeks, right? Mid-70's in San Diego! Sweeeeeeeet! Right?

Well, sort of. The problem is, the conference is being held at San Diego State University, and instead of putting us in nice hotels, we're staying in the residence halls on campus. Those of you who have lived in college residence halls just winced. You know you did.

The rooms are 10'x6', give or take a few inches. The beds appear to be military issue. The sheets, pillow, and blanket? Well, I don't even want to think what's on these things. Semen, puke, and who knows what. Ugh.

No alarm clocks, no wake up calls. I'm hoping my cell phone alarm will be enough to get my tired ass out of bed in the morning. But I'm not expecting deep sleep on this bed, which has a mattress that reminds me of a Walmart-brand chaise lounge cushion.

No soap, shampoo, or anything nice like that. Had to bring all that stuff. I'm sharing a bathroom with a few other dudes. The toilet paper in said bathroom appears to be fine grade sandpaper. Fortunately, we made a trip to the local Ralph's and purchased something a little nicer on the hiney.

I also purchased some bottled water, since they only have tap water, soda, and of course, a 12er of Pacifico. They do have a fridge in the common area of our suite. I'm hoping none of these other dudes swipes my brewskies.

So, today we flew in from Sac and registered. We're eating all of our meals in the dining hall at the residence halls. Today's dinner wasn't bad, so maybe it won't be so horrible in all aspects. Tomorrow, we start training. Training every day through next Saturday, then back to Sactown!

The only saving grace, each room has its own 10Mb Internet connection. Woo hoo!

A brand new blog!

2006-07-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating doing this for some time now. I remember spending a few lazy weekend afternoons with friends at the bar thumbing through the local weekly paper. This paper has a personal ads section. Actually, it has two sections. One contained your standard, run of the mill personal ads. But the section we always enjoyed was the “spicy personals” section. We would read the spicy ones and always have a good laugh. It was a damn good time.

I recently found myself perusing the spicy personals and thought it might be fun to dedicate a blog to personal ads. Not just the spicy ones, mind you, because even the tame ones can be pretty damn funny.

I present my new blog. I will be going through the local rags and some popular Internet sites (Yahoo, for example) for my material. I will try my best to give all groups attention (women seeking men, men seeking women, women seeking women, men seeking men, plus the other varieties), but I imagine the majority of my entries will be women seeking men, since I’m a man and I have a better perspective in that area.

Before you get your undies in a bunch, let me say that I am well aware that these people are lonely and are out on a limb by advertising in a newspaper or on the Internet for a relationship. It’s downright gutsy. Believe me, I’m thankful I’m not in the position to have to do so myself. I don’t think less of anyone that uses personal ads to try to find love. Hey, to each his own. I’m only having fun with the text of the ads. So leave me alone.

Huh?

2006-07-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Head On - apply directly to forehead
Head On - apply directly to forehead
Head On - apply directly to forehead

WTF is "Head On" and why don't they tell you in the commercial?

All I know is, I'm not rubbing some crap on my forehead no matter what it is.

Jim's book recommendation

2006-07-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, I saw something that reminded me of one of my favorite children's books. I got this book for my son about 5 years ago. This wonderful book covers the topic of farts. It's called "The Gas We Pass - The Story of Farts" by Shinta Cho.

If your sense of humor is similar to mine (sophomoric at best), you'll die laughing reading this book. You'll also learn a thing or two about your body, so pay attention!

Do yourself a favor. Go to Amazon, throw down a few bucks and get the book. You can also preview the cover and some of the pages. Click here to see one of the inside pages. On this page, the text reads "when an elephant farts, the farts are really big". I just love how it's knocking over the people standing behind the elephant.

Chandler Bing discusses an aspect of the World Cup

2006-07-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Friends sit in Central Perk discussing life, love, and whatever other bullshit that goes along with it when they turn their attention to the World Cup. Chandler has been watching it since it started and has issue with one particular aspect of the tournament

CHANDLER: Could there BE any more flopping? I mean, what is THAT all about?

And SCENE...

I've been watching as much of the World Cup as I can stomach, and one thing more than anything else stands out; the constant flopping. These players would make Vlade Divac blush with their overreacting and pained expressions as they fall to the ground when someone so much as runs near them.

I have personally witnessed players being removed from the field on a stretcher after the smallest collision with an opponent, only to return to the game 30 seconds later as if nothing happened, 5 separate times. And I have only watched a few matches. This gross overacting is reminiscent of a recent satire article on theonion.com about NBA flopper-extrordanare Manu Ginobli. It is seriously that bad in the World Cup. These players should be ashamed.

The rest of the world treats American football fans with contempt and scorn, saying that soccer is the real game and that their players are the toughest athletes in the world. If that's the case, why do they all act like such pussies when they play? The only NFL players that ever act the way these wimps do are the punters, and most people don't consider punters NFL players. They're more of a necessary evil, like place kickers.

Get your act together, World. Quit acting like little bee-yotches and play the damn game. It would be far more fun to watch.

With that, I will close with a Friends comparison. World Cup is to NFL football as Ross is to Joey. Simply put, Joey is the tough guy and Ross is the whiny wimp. You get the picture.

Pet Peeve Time, Y'all

2006-06-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Vent time. You know what I can't stand? When I heat up my lunch and take it back to my desk, everyone has to gander at what I have. Everyone's staring at my damn lunch!

I feel like me & my lunch are being eye-raped by these people.

On another note, I just farted. Take that, eye-raping coworkers!

They named it WHAT?

2006-06-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been to Scottsdale, Arizona, you've never eaten at the Pink Pony, a Scottsdale legend and incredible steak house. The Pink Pony, at least in name, has been trumped by Scottsdale's newest establishment. Let me start by saying that this is true. A new restaurant opened in my hometown of Scottsdale called (again, I am not making this up) "Pink Taco". If you've ever been to the Las Vegas Hard Rock Cafe, you've probably heard of the restaurant, as it originated there.

I'm not one to let a double entendre of this magnitude slip by without having some fun with it. I enjoyed a couple of cocktails last night with Jenn and Berta last night and we had a field day with this one. So without further ado...

(Discussing the quality of the food in Pink Taco) - "This has a strange taste" AND "This smells funny"

"Will they serve fish tacos?"

"This taco is really moist" (or dry)

"Instead of ground beef, can I get a sausage in my taco?"

"Will this place be like hooters, but instead of shirts that accent the breasts, they could have special shorts, or maybe no shorts at all?"

"Maybe they could present the taco platter in such a way that it looked like there was a little man near the top of each taco" (the old "Find the man in the boat reference)

(Pretending to eat one of the tacos) "I keep getting little stuff getting stuck in my front teeth"

"Am I supposed to bite into this or just lick the stuff out of the shell?"

I can't remember all of the references we made, but maybe Jenn and Berta can add more in the comments of this post. One last thought, would they consider serving a taco with beaver meat?

The Shocker!

2006-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Did you get yours today?

Revisiting an old classic

2006-06-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

I remember seeing this back in 1996, and it's still hilarious.

Check out I Am Better Than Your Kids.

Front to back or back to front? That is the question.

2006-05-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

But seriously, wipe front to back, people. Any other way is just plain nasty.

National (Whatever) Awareness Week

2006-05-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a National Something Awareness Week for pretty much everything nowadays. In that spirit, your old pal Jim would like to start a tradition of new national awareness week events, ones that are uniquely "Jim Edgemont".

With that in mind, I declare May 2-5 National Taint Awareness Week. In case you're not over the age of 11 or you're just stupid, the taint is the little space of skin between the scrotum (ball sack) and anus (ass).

It's a small part of the body, which is why it gets a short week. Let's all take this week to recognize the taint! Enjoy it in all its glory!

The Poopie List

2006-05-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

After enjoying a not-so-healthy lunch today (Fish & Chips), I got to thinking about poopie (Yes, I had to go). So I thought I would share an old classic, the poopie list!


Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (AKA The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Did you know?

2006-05-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

IMDB has adult film stars credits. For a good laugh, check out Peter North's film credits (over 1,600). Man, that's a whole lotta porking!

Happy Birthday!

2006-05-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter turned 18 yesterday. Man, I'm getting to be an old fart. What's happened to your old pal Jim since the day his daughter was born?

Joined the Air Force
Partied like a freaking madman
Left the Air Force
Got a real job
Got married
Quit real job
Got new real job
Had another child (boy)
Quit real job
Moved to Chico (for new real job)
Started new real job
Had another child (boy)
Had another child (girl)

As you can tell, most of my last 18 years has been spent quitting/starting jobs and screwing. Makin' money and havin' sex. Not bad.

One Chuck, One Jack

2006-05-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Seems these jokes are taking off recently. Now the Jack Bauer jokes are getting big. So, without further ado...

Jack Bauer can make a homeless man tell him who he works for.

And Another freaking Chuck Norris joke...

Chuck Norris inadvertently invented the caesarian section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

OK, just one more Chuck Norris joke

2006-05-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

I heard this on a podcast yesterday and just had to share...

Chuck Norris doesn't lift off the ground when he does push-ups, he pushes the Earth down.

So, two of my friends died this week

2006-05-04T03:49:00.000-07:00

I only wish the title of this post was a joke. It's hard for me to believe. Big Gary and Andre (as well as Andre's wife) died this week.

I don't want to be a downer here, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

Both guys were wonderful people and good friends. You will be missed. I never knew Andre's wife, but I miss her, too.

F**k.

Fart

2006-05-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

Jim Edgemont enjoys the fart. Cutting the cheese elicits an easy laugh every time for your old pal Jimbo. I'm not entirely sure what it is about barking spiders that crack me up, but I have a theory.

As a child, I was not allowed to use the word "fart" in front of my parents. I don't know why. They weren't stiff people or particularly strict (in fact, my parents both have an incredible sense of humor), but something about that word bothered them. I was instead instructed to use the word "froop" in its place. I hated that word.

Maybe their attitude towards bombers stemmed from my Mom's highly regrettable decision to take me to the movie Blazing Saddles when I was a kid. I was 6 at the time, and according to my mother, I laughed so hard during the famous campfire scene that everyone in the theater turned to see where the laughter was coming from. She was embarrassed beyond belief. It's conceivable that this lone experience led them to tighten up family security on the breaking of wind and all references to said act. On a side note, Blazing Saddles is still my favorite movie, and I highly doubt another flick will ever take its place.

As a result of such an oppressive non-poot childhood, I believe I came to enjoy air biscuits more once I moved away from home. Much in the same manner that young college girls who grow up in strict Catholic environments rebel against their upbringing by screwing every frat boy that rubs up against them in the local club.

As I got older, the butt burp became funnier by the day. A well-timed gasser still floors me to this day. And in that vein, I present to you, the Fart-O-Tron. Jim's favorites: 5, 6, 7, 0 (zero), R, I, A, H, and V.

Here's to the fart! May you continue to keep me in stitches.

Joke of the Day

2006-05-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today's theme: Chuck Norris (yes, Chuck Norris jokes are overdone these days, but this one killed me).

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

NOTE: This will be my only Chuck Norris joke. If you like this one, check out this site for a great collection of Chuck jokes.

Arizona Cardinals draft Matt Leinart!

2006-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

With the 10th pick in the 2006 NFL draft, the Cardinals got the gift of the century when Matt Leinart slid past the first 9 picks. The Cardinals eagerly snatched him up, and it sounds like Matt is happy to be playing in Arizona.

Fathers, hide your daughters.

NFL teams, watch out. The Cardinals are getting pretty damn good. Leinart, Boldin, Fitzgerald, James, and newly drafted TE Leonard Pope. Serious bidness, folks.

Color Jim Edgemont giddy.

If I could ask someone famous just one question - part III

2006-04-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today's famous person: Superman

Is one of your super powers the ability to suppress a boner when you rescue really hot chicks?

Tawny Kitaen

2006-04-21T22:24:00.000-07:00

What the hell happened to Tawny Kitaen? I was a young teen in the early 1980's, which means she was a big part of my life. She was Tom Hank's fiance in Bachelor Party and she looked incredible.

On a side note, I recently watched BP again and realized that Hanks' ex-girlfriend in the movie, Tracey ( that they used to seduce his enemy) was much hotter. Her IMDB profile reveals that she's had quite a career since then, lots of Penthouse movies). But I digress...

Kitaen was a lousy actress, but teenage boys wouldn't have noticed. She was hot. Scorching hot. She graced the cover of the Ratt - Out of the Cellar album, then slutted up Whitesnake's videos. She was a living, breathing wet dream.

Since those hot days ? She married Chuck Finley, a MLB baseball pitcher. Apparently, she kicked his ass during an argument. And when I saw her mugshot, my manhood shrunk a little.

What happened to Tawny Kitaen? Damn.

If I could ask someone famous just one question - part II

2006-04-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

Today's famous person: John Holmes

So, uh, how much does that thing weigh?

"Hater"

2006-04-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

Man, why you be hatin’? Don’t be a hater!

WTF is it with this damn phrase nowadays? I don’t hate anyone or anything (well, except maybe for tooth pain. And back pain), yet any time I make even one slightly negative remark about someone or something, that’s the crap I hear.

I freaking hate that phrase.

If I could ask someone famous just one question

2006-04-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today's famous person: Tom Arnold

Tom, tell me the truth... did you actually boink Roseanne?

Jim Edgemont - Chico Porn Star

2005-11-30T10:59:00.000-08:00

That's right, there's a new stud in town ladies, and his name is Jim Edgemont. Check back soon for more on me!